I want to stop living outside my body. I want to inhabit my skin and bones and heart and wear my emotions like a vintage purple hat with a little birdcage veil at a tea party. I want to live inside myself. Embody my time.
I need to stop living forward, ahead, inside to-do lists and what's-to-come. I want to shun the shoulds. Living in the should negates everything I am now. I am selling myself short. Of who I am. How much I create. How much I manage. Accomplish. My fullness.
I'm moving toward a mantra of
I am __________________.
As in, my new mental soundtrack that supports me in my own own practice of being present. I am at work. I am driving the car. I am brushing my teeth. I am putting titles in the columns of this spreadsheet. I am getting ready for bed. I am walking the dog. I am writing to you.
I am trying to shift my focus, and in turn shift my energy. Allowing myself, giving permission, to be exactly where I am, and doing what I am. Not just because I am doing it, but because its doing is necessary. Without this mundane or thoughtless or getting-to-and-from thing, without this dental hygiene thing, without this moving of my body thing or shedding of these tears or sitting in this goddamn meeting or nourishing my body with this spinach I am wilting on the stove, without any of this - I would not be a whole person. I would not be a strong person. I would not be a person.
And I am aiming to, striving, to be a person.
And so, in turn I will allow for all of myself to be present in the now-ness.
Not one step ahead of myself. Not one or five or ten calendar pages ahead. Not weighed down with the should vacuum and should pay bills when I am, in fact, washing dishes and sitting on the ride on mower.
By reminding myself all the time that I am engaged in meaningful action: work, movement, production, cleanliness - I am also reminding myself that I do not have to be doing anything else right now. That my single-pointed attention is enough. I am enough.
I should. I am.